Today would’ve been Keith’s 53rd birthday. Even after 28 years past his suicide I still acknowledge his birthday and still grieve for him. My children are reaching those mature years of their lives when they ask questions about him and “what ifs”. “What if Uncle Keith was here, Mom? Would he be a good uncle? Would he play baseball with me? Would he teach me how to draw better?” I love being asked these questions because it gives me a moment to reflect on how life would be if he hadn’t taken his life at 25 years old. I love daydreaming about him playing with my kids and making them laugh like he made us laugh.

My daughters both have his handwriting and his talent for drawing and doodling. Their notebooks and journals are filled with pages of their notes in perfect penmanship and doodles of flowers, faces, block letters, and trees. My brother’s notebooks that I saved look similar, filled with his many characters he created, his block letters, and quirky sayings.

Death anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, and milestones can bring a flood of emotions each year and uncover the wounds left unhealed of loss and sorrow. The fact is that we live in a world with fleeting moments where life is unpredictable and uncertain. I’ve heard the term of paper walls and think looking at life as if it contains paper walls represents the magnitude of uncertainty for tomorrow. James 4:14 says, “Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.”

So we must live each day with gratitude. When gratitude and grace are combined they are considered a gift. It is through God’s grace that we can enjoy His creation and look around us and see the beauty of His handiwork. If you struggle to find gratitude, consider starting a gratitude journal that you write in each day so you can appreciate the many blessings God has provided.

My brother lived every day with gratitude, but a darkness greater than we can understand stole his joy in the matter of a few minutes and took him down a path of no return. He felt as if he had no one to turn to and his guilt and grief were too much to bear. Lies took his life and left us with a void that will never be filled.

Happy birthday, Keith. I will forever live in the moment for you!